A Life of Possiblities.

I have a car now... finally. It's nothing special, a 2001 Dodge Neon, but it's a car. It's in good shape, and it cost me next to nothing (for a car anyway).

I don't have a hedgehog anymore. I probably wasn't giving it enough attention, but really my parents were just tired of the smell. I was too, but for some reason giving it away was harder for me than it ought to have been. I think for me it symbolized something of my own- something that I had gotten and paid for myself, and cared for alone no strings attached. To give up on it was disheartening, almost like I failed myself somehow. This is how my mind works, it's a spiraling mess- granted I don't necessarily talk about these issues though. In my past I talked about everything (to a fault), and now I give myself a better shake at life by keeping my mouth shut and my mind open. Somethings are best left to yourself, better left unsaid. Not that there's anything really on my mind right now, nothing of importance anyway. Life just ebbs into the next hour or day, and it goes on and on until we die. Not much more to it. It's not boring, it just is. I guess other people's lives might be more exciting, but who really cares? I know I don't.

People are hilarious.




-Brandon

Lies, And Release From Silence.

Song of the day.


-Brandon

Reel Around the Fountain.

I'm in a state of confused paralysis- I don't know where I start and end, and thoughts are swimming in me, bubbling toward a surface but not breaking under tension... just festering. I don't really think it's depression, in fact, I know it isn't, but it is something akin to being pushed into a wall and propped against it while someone beats you with a bat.

-Brandon

Surface I.

There is significance in everything. In every look, in every gaze, in every word not said. In the passing of time. In the moments one wishes would fade but can't, in the beauty of it all, misunderstood and yet not needed to. It was for himself, it had always been. Like a pen without ink, the impression had been made, just left unmarked.

-Brandon

There is significance in everything, in every look, in every gaze, in every word not said. Everything is important and worth while if you take the time to look for what it is you seek. You'll find it, even when you wanted it to die.

歌を謡って眠らせてやりたい。誰かの傍に坐り『謡』っていたい。

I saw "Where the Wild Things Are", and it was what I expected- more for adults. Either way, it was worth seeing, I don't know where it falls in the good ol' end of the year list, but, it was good if a little too short. Visually it was great, and I can honestly say that there have never been puppets that good in any film beforehand.

A guy I work with, Kerry Maruna (Austin's cousin), made a demo of his hip-hop. I wasn't expecting much, he never acts serious at work, he never acts serious ever. It's inspired. It pisses me off how good it is. It really reeks of influence, the beats are original, he doesn't try anything that doesn't work, and for someone with no real professional skill, it's really impressive. I'm proud- even if he is white as fuck.

Really lucid dreams have a weird way of sticking with you sometimes, it's in the little things that happen in them, the interactions that make them seem so alive and real. It's only when you wake up that you know they have no possibility of fruition... a simple gaze out a window straight into a shroud of enveloping darkness puts that face against the pillow, me waiting for that dream to come back.

I need a better coat, I'd be walking these nights like nobody's business, but I'm not warm enough to do it. Gap, I heard you have credit cards...

Setting up loans, looking for cars, thinking about how life has led up to this. Not that there's anything wrong with it, it's just amazing that it's all happening. I've been so accustomed to just letting life slip by, the change of pace is really very nice. Everything is nice. Without drama, without problems, without creating either of those, my life has become what it ought to be... and yet, I'm still not there. My brain is somewhere behind all this it seems, trying to catch up and gasping for breath.

I crave New York City or Chicago. I haven't been away from either for a long time, but I just feel like I need to go back, either alone or with somebody like-minded. I felt alive there, I feel restricted here. I'm seriously going back to one of the two within the next three months or I don't know what I'll do... oh, yeah, I'll just be typing more posts on here about wanting to go there.

Ughhhhhhh. Pokemon, I hate that I want more of you.

Eloise is making a lot of noise.



-Brandon

The Kindness of Strangers.

Generally there's a lot going on right now to plant my foothold somewhere in the threshold of 'good'. It's been awhile since my actual person and not just my mind has been thought of as in a favorable position. It's nice, and it's only happened because I've pressed myself and stopped being dragged around by everyone else. Some people call them blessings, and I know my parents blindly relish that prayer caused these small successes (though I'm smarter than to buy into any notion of a higher aiding me in any way), but in truth it's just me knowing when to throw 'it' to the ground and be a part of the system. Considering I'm 21 now, entering college as a *sigh* freshman, the way the country works now actually makes this at least partially alright for me. For starters, I pay next to nothing for school. Actually, that's the only real benefit, but it's pretty nice to know that I can pay for a year of school with two grand. As for other things that are going on, I've been given permission to finally get a car. I won't hold my breath until it becomes more serious than it is right now, but the prospect of acting my own age appeals to me.

'Where the Wild Things' comes out on Friday. I had a media pass to see it on Monday, but it was for a Columbus showing, so I didn't go- plus, I had work that I couldn't get out of. I don't really know what I'm going to think about this one though anyway, because, well, the audience and America as a whole will ruin this movie for me no matter how I react to it. I expect a smart parable on the darkness and euphoria of being a child torn between oneself- my fear is that everyone else is wanting to make it into something it isn't going to be- the hip cool indie movie of the decade. I mean, it's already this year's 'Hot Topic' clothing line pastiche, and will undoubtedly make the 'cool kids' shake at the knees with misplaced fandom. I can guarantee there will be a whole slew of people blogging about a completely different movie than the one I saw, and I get that that is the nature of anything in the world, but there is a line between expectations and actuality. For me it's the whole 'do they even know who Spike Jonze is or why he is important?' scenario that I run through every year with something or the other. I went through it this past summer seeing Animal Collective in Brooklyn, it was a bunch of thirteen year-old rich-bitches complaining that they didn't have enough Ecstasy to go around for the entire night. I'm going to post a video of my trip later.

!!!Animal Ramblings!!!
My Roborovski Dwarf Hamsters (I had six babies- all named "Dan Baker", and two parents-"Fessick" and "Charles") are grown up and living in the local pet store now, and it's not wholly effecting me, but I guess on some level it's sad to see them go, mostly because they were so cute. I got a replacement for the cage in the form of a mouse, which I got for free because Val's brother's snake wouldn't eat it. I named it "Eloise" for more than obvious reasons, even though it's a 'boy' mouse. mice are so much better than hamsters, they like to be held, have personalities, actually do interesting things, and they're cheaper to take care of. Oh, and they're cuter.

Haikuesque Fire Ant.

Powerthrust! UNGH!

...ever lasts forever.

To be honest, I can't really name off the top of my head the last time I was truly elated over something. Excited is one thing, but what about fanatical? Answering honestly, it was probably at the Yeah Yeah Yeahs concert. I haven't been as happy since I was seventeen- complete bliss, belting every word, just close my eyes and sink. There are few musicians who can evoke something in me like they do, I'm sure most people have a like situation, a nostalgia inducing goose-bumped affair. I've come to the realization that my life is destined to be something like that night, something fleeting, something that comes and goes, where feelings must be opted against and replaced with duty and responsibility. 'Growing up'. Whatever happened to following dreams, or to actually feeling something? Feeling guilty for being honest with yourself- that's something I don't take a part in. It's like... ugh.

Again, I start writing a blog with conviction and it pretty much all ends within a paragraph. Somethings are easier said, or easier spoken about. Not everything can be said to a loved one, it's why friends are a necessity, or even strangers. It's just one of 'those things'.

-Brandon

Tu sais que tu n'aimes pas ta réalité.

So, a normal post for once? Maybe.

Sunny Day Real Estate was on Fallon two days ago, after ten years being broke up, and it was pretty great. Sad thing is how this is a major blog-worthy event for me.

My computer is acting like a complete expletive. I have no idea why.

I've been listening to a lot of Metric, and that's fine.

I work a lot...yep.

-Brandon

Rhubarb (2).

If wind can move a tree, and a man can move the leaves, does that not make the man wind as well?

Life, meaning, God. My topics for this discussion: A nearing distance surpasses all other feelings, it's as if there's nothing, just simply nothing. It's deluded, it's destroyed. Notions of something greater than yourself dissipate with the growing knowledge that to believe in something like this, is in itself, foolish. Years have passed, and I am still fourteen- seemingly stuck in time. It's a paradox, something that should not be, something that should change, something that must end. Self reliance is a notion I'm not accustomed to, it's always been there but has never really been handled for longer than I've needed. It's been this way for a long long time now, there exists knowledge and opportunity, but there is a blatant gap in between the workings. Something doesn't quite register. I've given up trying to figure all this out- I've learned to accept that I'm always going to be fucked up, and the secret is in me not dwelling on it. The real question I have to confront myself is this one, 'Should I wear a suit for the rest of my life, or a beard?' It's a valid point to make- Happiness or servitude. In the end, all that matters is that I mattered, to someone, somewhere, for at least a second. I wonder if people can look past all my past faults and view me fondly as I view them? I honestly...

downy.

'downy' is one of my top ten bands of all time, and maybe I'll make a countdown one day, but for now, here's just two of my favorite songs.






-Brandon

Debaser.

I have to work tomorrow from 10:30 until 3:30, and then again from 4:00 until Close (11:30ish). It's sort of kind of a lot of bullshit- mostly because of a whole lot of reasons that are really mundane and 'complainy'. I'll go quickly through it. My work (Rockne's "OF STOW!") is a shit-box of a job, not because of the job itself, but because of outlying issues between the workers and the upstairs men, ie; God and/or my managers. It's pretty ridiculous, they made the mistake of hiring mostly family and friends, so those people who are not related- in this story's case, me- are pretty much just white noise in a place that wouldn't run without us. I know my Giant Eagle friends can relate to this, but in all honesty, it's just so fucking dumb. I mean, I work my ass off, and at the end of the night, "I had to go and clear off a table, don't let it happen again". you see, there's busing, and dishing. Busing entails clearing off tables and keeping things tidy for the customers, and then you also have to go back and unload and put away all the dishwashers dishes. Dishwashing makes you rely on the buser to give you the dirty dishes from the dining room. So, my helping the dishwasher impedes on one table being clean for possibly two minutes time... it makes no difference, and we were not busy. I could do good work there forever, and they will never forget the one table they had to clear off because they could not handle looking at a dirty table while I do my 'other' job. It's dumb. i always get the short-end there, I'm fed up with it, and I'm looking for another job... sort of. I'm requesting I only work mornings, and maybe find a night job a few nights a week. I need my 'night' nights though, they've taken them all from me, I work no less than five days a week, and they steal every minute of time worth spending elsewhere. I don't even want to think about going there tomorrow and having to deal with fucking awful co-workers who cause me to fall behind, and how I'll be their dog for another day. I just don't feel respected at all, I tell them I want more hours, they give me less. I ask to dish more, they make me bus everyday for two weeks.

Enough laughs.